becauseihavenowife.com
| following Andy Polley as he travels around the world... |
It's Spring Break 2004. And I'm sitting at home on a Monday night. Not
exactly what I was lookin' for...so I pick up the phone and do what any
normal college student would do...
I call some friends. "Hey, it's Andy. You want to get a cheeseburger?"
Casey is on the other end.
"Sure, why not."
"Sweet. Well, here's the deal. The burger is in Pennsylvania...you in?" It
should be known that the burger joint is 684 miles from my current
location. After a slight hesitancy, Casey is in.
I call up Phil and Crazy Zack. Two other takers. Phil asks how we're going
to get there. I've got a truck...17 miles per gallon...and loud. Phil's got a
car. 30 miles per gallon...and spacious. It's up to Phil.
It is about 8:30 Monday evening. "So when we leaving?" Phil asks. Oh, I
was thinking tomorrow morning..." Phil had to be back to finish some
homework, and I needed to be back for a meeting Thursday evening, so
our plan was as follows...
7:00 A.M.--Leave Springfield
7:00 P.M.--Arrive at the Restaurant
10:00 P.M.--Leave the Restaurant
8:00 A.M.--Arrive back in Springfield
25 hours. We even gave a couple hours of additional time just in case
something were to go wrong. Didn't think we would need it. We'd probably
easily make it back by 7:00 A.M. Alternate drivers, never stop but for gas,
it would be a cinch.
I am so excited I can hardly wait. But I had to. You see, Crazy Zack was
coming to my house to spend the night. He was an hour away. I wait up
for him and end up going to bed around 11:00 P.M. My thoughts were with
Phil who was currently changing the oil in his car so that we could go.
What a trooper.
Woke up at 6:15ish and made the drive out to the westside of Springfield.
We have all arrived. And on time! We literally hit the road at 7:00 A.M.
sharp. Perfect!
Phil is driving his own car. Wise man. It's a Saturn. Very roomy for four
people. And hopefully five. You see, I had gotten ahold of my roommate
Mushu. And he lived in Indianapolis. We would pick him up on our way
through.
So we drove and drove and drove. Arrived in Indy about 3 hours later. I
called Mushu, but he was hesitant. This is not good, I thought. "Why are
you not going now?" "There's a big storm coming through..." Mushu had
a snow removal business. Big storms equaled big cash. I pleaded and
begged and belittled him. But to no avail. Mushu was backing out. That's
all right...we still had four.
We went around Indianapolis and started to head northeast to the corner
of Indiana. Somewhere along this stretch, we had to fill up on gas. We all
got out of the car and stretched our 4-hour weary bodies out. Good gas
mileage, though. This trip was going to be pretty cheap!
On the way back into the car, Phil said someone else could drive. The lot
fell to either me or Crazy Zack. If you have ever rode with Crazy Zack
before, you know why he gets his name. I took the keys.
It's a stick shift, so I was thrilled about that! Nice little car. Very easy to
handle. We headed back out on the interstate, and away we went.
Around the early part of the afternoon, we called in our order. You see,
this restaurant requires you to call in at least two hours in advance. I
talked on the phone and told them what we would like.
"Yes, we would like four burgers."
"Ok, we can do that. And how many people will be coming?"
"Um," I hesitated. I didn't understand the question. You see, where I come
from, we don't share our food, let alone our burgers. "We will have four
people."
"FOUR?!"
That should've been our first clue. But we took it in stride and continued
our journey. We would easily make it by 7:00 that evening.
Somewhere up north in Indiana, it began to snow. Started out with light
snow at first, but as the hours went on, the snow began to stick. We were
not going to be able to stay ahead of this storm. No, we would have to ride
right through it.
No worries. We passed through the worthless state of Ohio. We
encountered those frustrating toll booths and threw curses out the window.
Ohio is not a state to drive across.
We passed the time with lively conversations most likely involving blowing
things up, this incredible trip we were on...and SHIRTS. We had a video
camera, too, so that helped.
The snow continued to come down. The roads were staying relatively
clear, but every once in a while, I would hit a slick spot. Nothing big, but
even the heat of the cars could not stop this force today. Mushu was no
doubt licking his chops.
We get to the end of Ohio, and I think we break out in celebration. We had
made it through our last toll, and it was home-free to our destination. We
were roughly 2 hours out in these conditions.
Casey is taping with the video camera from the back seat. Crazy Zack has
unbuckled to take off his sweatshirt. I am still driving. And Phil is riding
shotgun.
We are coming up to a relatively big turn. You know the type, the ones
where they put those successive yellow signs with little arrows on them to
let you know where you are supposed to go. I am in the left lane. As we
come to the turn, I turn the steering wheel to the left (keeping in touch with
those kind signs). But something strange happens. You see, I turned the
wheel left, but the car decides to go right.
My mind is a bit confused for a sec. I regain composure and try again. I
turn the wheel a bit to the left, and again we slide to the right. We are on a
sheet of ice. And our forward momentum is now taking over any control I
could have with the steering wheel.
At 65 mph, our car is now on a beeline path for a guardrail. The whole
following sequence of events literally takes seconds, but my mind is
working overtime. In that split second as the car is moving from the left
lane to the right lane towards the guardrail, my mind has a decision to
make. Should we T-bone the guardrail or take...actually, as soon as I said
T-bone, I knew the other option would be the best one. Instead of fighting
the momentum of the car and skidding more, I had to use the momentum
and just see where it took us...
I turned the wheel to the right.
Silence. We were airborn. Our car had left the roadside, and we were
now hovering over a ditch, moving at 60 mph. The silence did not last long
at all. BOOM! We had hit the opposite side of the ditch. Hard. And I
mean, real hard. Then the fun began.
We were now "driving" through small trees, tall prairie grass, and lots and
lots of snow. I found out later that the rest of the guys could not see out
the windshield. I never remember losing sight of anything. Perhaps I was
not driving out the windshield but out my window or some other force had
intervened, I do not know. But I was doing everything within my power to
get this careening vehicle to stop. Anytime soon.
We hit another bump. To this day I am not sure what it was. It kind of lifted
us into the air again, and then we landed. On a slant. In a ditch. For a
moment, we had stopped. Then the wait of the car was too much for the
little ditch to bear. The force of us made the snow slide, and we slid down
to the bottom of the ditch. We had finally stopped.
I quickly turned around to see if everyone was ok. Some incredibly white
faces, but no one was seriously injured. I thanked God.
But we had a problem. A major problem. We were literally not visible from
the road anymore. We had left the road and gone down deep into the
brush. The curve was built because of a canyon/valley. The engineers
obviously didn't want to build over it, so they went around it. Needless to
say, I was not an engineer. I figured I would give it a shot.
I called 911. An emergency vehicle was already on its way. Someone
must have seen us disappear off the road and called for help. I let them
know that we were not injured. After the dispatcher heard that, we were
placed on the bottom of the totem pole. Lots and lots of accidents that
afternoon. We would have to wait to be rescued.
We were all leaning heavily to the left. The car was a pretty good incline.
So much so that I could not open up my door. In the back, Casey was able
to open his just barely.
"Um, guys..."
We looked out to see running water. We had landed at the bottom of a
ditch, and we were over water. Nothing like a river, no. But running water,
nonetheless.
It would be another hour before an officer would arrive. He said that we
were so far back off the road down in this ditch that we probably would not
be able to be towed out for quite some time. He told us to get everything
out of the car. And so we did. Everything.
Including my gear that I had brought to ride a motorcycle back to Illinois.
The snow kind of put a damper on that idea, but we took out everything we
had brought and that Philip owned in his car. We loaded it into the
officer's car, and away we went.
We were dropped off down the road at a Howard Johnson Motel.
Needless to say, we were not going to get our burger that evening. But I
was not finished. Oh, sure, we had a minor setback (the car was laying out
in a ditch somewhere!), but I was an hour and a half from this burger. I
was not going to stop now.
Phil, however, had other plans.
We walked up to the counter and asked how much it would be for a room.
They told us the price. Not a chance we would pay that. We told them our
situation, and they offered to let us have the trucker's discount of $119.00.
Phil's car was sounding more and more comfy all the time. Not to mention
that we are not on vacation or anything. We had expected an evening
meal. We did not bring that type of money.
We left the counter and had a little huddle. We pooled our cash (let it be
said here that the idea was thrown out to keep money for the burger).
After all, that is why we came on the trip. All in all, we had a little over
$30.00. We went back to the counter, and again told them of our situation.
With a grace unknown in most retail places, the owner allowed us to stay.
But only if we didn't use the pool. Not a problem, we said.
We went back to our room and began to think of what we would do. I
called every rental car company within 40 miles. They were all out of cars
(who does that?! That's like McDonald's bein' out of fries!), or they would
not rent to anyone under 25. I was the oldest at 22.
Part of us was still hanging on to the lingering hope that Phil's car was still
ok. I mean, it had taken a beating. But the engine still ran, and overall, it
did not look that bad from the outside. Well, what parts we could see of it
on the slant.
But like I said, our brother Phil was a bit flustered. Which is
understandable. I had just loaned his car to a Pennyslvania ditch. With no
guarantee of return. We talked in the hotel room quite a bit about our
possibilities. Some wanted to just get back home however they could.
Flying back was thrown out. Taking a bus was an idea. And then there
was me. I love my brothers. I do. But I was an hour and a half from my
destination. And no accident was going to stop me. I think I preached a
rousing speech to my compatriates, and the vote was in.
We were going to do whatever it took to get that burger. No questions
asked. I could sleep much better knowing that.
We woke up the next morning, made another couple dozen phone calls.
But with no luck. No word on Phil's car being towed, and no cars available
for rental. We were up the creek without a paddle. Or really a boat for
that matter.
And time was no help. The hours wore on. 10:00 A.M. rolled around, and
we were kicked out of the hotel. But we had no place to go. So we walked
across the street to McDonald's.
It was now hour 30 of our trip. We were supposed to have been back
home two hours ago! We hadn't even had our burger. Or even a meal.
You see, we had prepared for this burger. No eating at all. But as the
hours wore on, our bodies were weakening. I had now gone nearly 40
hours with no food. But here was the problem: at any minute, we could
get a phone call that said our car was ready to go! And we would only be
90 minutes from eating! I didn't want to fill up my stomach with any
unnecessary food.
We sat at McDonald's four a few hours. Nothin' really to do. We just sat
and pondered our situation. A couple of the guys bought some small items
of food. Just to hold them over, they said. That was quite understandable.
Food would be nice. But I didn't take them up on the offer. Not yet.
And then out of nowhere I heard singing. And I saw dancing. Phil had
jumped up and was gleefully involved in some sort of jubilation. "He needs
food," I thought.
"My car! My car!"
"What?!"
"There's my car!" And he pointed out the window. Sure enough, Phil's car
was being towed down the road by a tow truck. She was out of the ditch!
Our weary bodies suddenly knew no pain. We had regained our passion.
But we needed a ride. We needed to follow that car!
"Excuse me, sir, could you give us a ride to the towing place?"
No one in the McDonald's line was up for it. They were all staying on the
highway. I had almost lost all hope when...
"You boys need a ride, huh?"
I turn around to see a large, jovial man sitting at one of the tables. His
beard was long and proud, and he spoke with obviously-restrained
excitement.
"Yes, sir, we do. But we have four guys. Do you have room for four
people?"
"Four?! Why, I've got room for 15!"
I must admit I was taken aback from his comment. I didn't really know what
he meant. And he was excited. Like real excited. He got up from his
table, and we had no other option but to follow him.
He opened up the doors and led us to his vehicle. A 15-passenger van.
What a guy! We hopped up into the van, and he looked over at me in the
passenger seat...
"Now I'm not really supposed to do this. You see, my insurance really
won't cover me. I'm only supposed to drive around Amish people..."
My mind flashed back to the hotel! Nothing but postcards of the Amish out
in their lobby! "So you're Eli, you're Jacob, you're Abraham, you're Eli..."
he said as he pointed to every last one of us. I had all of a sudden
become afraid for my life.
But, oh, was this man a happy man! I think he had lived up in the
mountains for a few years too many! But we loved him for it! We told him
of our journey, and of our predicament, and of the burger...and he
responded by telling us of his glory days. How he went to Texas to try out
the 72-ounce steak. He had become a hero for us.
After taking us to the wrong shop, admitting he would be late to pick up the
Amish, and a few laughs later, he dropped us off at the tow place. Here
was our last chance. We thanked him, and off he drove into the
mountains, a man obviously in love with his job...and with life.
We walked into the shop, hoping somehow, someway that we would be
able to head on our way...
"Your front axle is bent. She is in no way driveable."
I can't even express my feelings at that moment. Every last piece of hope
we had been holding onto was now gone. We had no car. No way of
getting home. And worse, no way of getting to the restaurant.
I made another phone call. Enterprise. I let them know our situation. She
said she would call me back.
We were standing in a small garage in the outskirts of a small town in the
middle of Amish country. A few bucks to our name...but no place to go.
The phone rang. It was Enterprise..."Hi, Andy, it's me again. This is
Enterprise. We talked it over, and we understand that you guys our in a
tough spot. Now we normally don't do something like this, but your
situation is pretty bizarre." And then she said four of the most beautiful
words a man could ever hear. Oh, sure I've heard them time and time
again. But it's different on TV. There's somethin' so much more
exhiliarting about these words when they actually mean something to you...
"WE'LL PICK YOU UP!"
There we go. We had it. And sure enough, about a half hour later, our
ride pulled up. A nice-lookin' young lady sportin' a black 2003 Jeep Liberty
4 x 4. Oh, buddy, did we hit it big time!
I took shotgun again, and we left Phil's car in the dust. We no longer had
a need for it. We now had a vehicle to get us to the restaurant...and a
nice girl, to boot.
We had a lively conversation over the next half hour. She was quite a
talker, and I think she was digging us young men. Well, who could blame
her, right? We arrive at Enterprise, and I go through the process of filling
out paperwork. I sign a few sheets of paper, and then the magical moment
happened. She looked at me in my eyes and said...ok, ok, so that never
happened! The magical moment was when she gave me the keys, but still!
We now had a vehicle to get to the restaurant!!!
I head back to our new Liberty, and we all just sat there and looked at
each other. I knew what they were thinking. I knew exactly what they were
thinking. And then someone spoke..."Someone's gotta get a date with her."
Ok, let me back up a bit here. I am afraid that we can easily be thrown into
the "shallow guy" department. But that's not what happened. You see, on
the way back to Enterprise, our lil' lady friend was being pretty forward.
Not in a sexual way or anything, but she was rather flirtacious. And she
had mentioned a phenomenal Mexican restaurant that she loved to go to.
She just threw it out there in our conversation! We all picked up on the
fact that she was fishin'...
So I bit. I turned around and went right back into that office. After a few
words, we had a date set up for 6:00 at you know where...the Mexican
restaurant. Cakewalk.
Here's the problem...it was only 4ish. So we had a couple hours to kill. In
a pretty small town. So we drove around and looked for Amish people.
True story. Then we saw a sign for a flower shop. I can't say that I was
too interested, but ol' Crazy Zack was. 10 minutes later CZ had bought
roses. He wasn't goin' to miss out on a date opportunity!
We pass through a flag memorial (where there were seriously like 670
American flags in a park)...kinda freaked me out. Then we headed to the
restaurant. Made it a bit early.
And we waited. 5:50. 5:57. 6:00. 6:01. 6:02. 6:05. 6:07. 6:10.
They probably were fixin' themselves up. You see, she had invited her
friend to come with her. Which is understandable. So we were waitin' on
two girls. And trust me, that takes time!
6:15. No one would say it, though we all knew it deep down. 6:20. 6:30.
6:40. 6:50. We definitely knew it now.
6:55. "Ok." I was the one to break the ice. "We give them to 7:04. If they
don't show, we eat."
7:00. 7:01. 7:02. 7:03. And then it came. 7:04. No girls. Just a waitress
that kept on wondering why we weren't ordering. I must say, though, that
those chips and salsa they bring out were mighty tasty! Probably not the
best items to put on a stomach that hadn't eaten in 24 hours, but when it
comes to survival (and the taste of those chips!), a man's gotta do what a
man's gotta do.
We all ate light. I only had 3 tacos. I knew that in 14 hours we would be
eating our burger. But I also knew that my body needed something. It had
started to digest itself, and that is never pleasant.
The meal was good, the price was right, but we still had that awful taste in
our mouths. From the girls. Crazy Zack put it best: "I bought roses!"
Yes, yes, he did. So began the infamous saying..."Hi, welcome to
Enterprise. We'll stand you up."
We drove around for a bit more but then decided it was time to call it a
night. Where to sleep? Well, we had the choice of the Howard Johnson
again. But you better believe we would have had to pay that trucker's rate.
And four young men can never rationalize paying over $100 for a bed.
Not my cup of tea, that's for sure.
After all, the Liberty had nice seats...
We drove back to the HoJo and parked next to the semis in the parking lot.
It was time to sleep. I turned off the car, leaned back in my seat, and
listened to the hum of the diesel engines. My type of sleeping music.
We were going to be a bit cramped, but no worries. We had $100 in our
pockets. Well, figuratively. We had saved that much, but I doubt we even
had that to spare. Go figure. I had the driver's seat, Phil had the shotgun,
and Casey and CZ were in the back seat. They couldn't move to the back
because we had packed all of the stuff from Phil's car in there. We were
going to have to sleep where we were.
It was now hour 38 of our 24-hour trip. And let me also remind you of
something...we had one goal in mind when we left that parking lot in
Springfield: A CHEESEBURGER. One simple trip, one simple goal.
Needless to say, we were restless. We didn't have the cheeseburger yet.
We had just gotten stood up by two Pennsylvania women. We had lost
money in our hotel gig. And we still had no car to get us home (it should
be stated here that the Jeep Liberty had to be returned! No one-way
rentals allowed). And we knew we were not going to get back home
anytime soon for our meetings and homework.
The mind is funny sometimes. I mean, I knew all of these things to be true.
If you would have asked me, I could have told you. But sometimes for
whatever reason, it waits to list them all at once until you lay your head
down to sleep on your pillow. Or on the backrest of a stiff driver's seat.
No burger. Losing money. Snowing outside. Diesel engines. Cute girls.
No girls. Taco fighting back. No burger. Nice car! Must call back home to
let them know I can't make the meeting tomorrow. How do I explain this
one?! Eh, wait on that. No burger. Stood up. We got a car! Still snowing.
The funny thing? I think all of us were doing the same thing. And as
always happens at campouts, sleepovers, and whatever, someone broke
the silence..."Um, guys..."
"You're awake, too!"
"Oh, man, I can't sleep!"
"I BOUGHT ROSES!"
"We're so close to this burger!"
"What just happened today?!"
"We were stood up!"
All together..."STUPID GIRLS."
"I BOUGHT ROSES!"
"We have a sweeeet vehicle!"
"It's snowing again!"
"There's no way I can sleep."
"Me, neither."
"Hey, guys, we're in the Allegheny Mountains."
"So?"
"Um, track with me. We have a 2003 Jeep Liberty..." I paused..."4x4!!!"
"Andy, we can't."
"We must."
"We can't afford to lose this vehicle."
"We're in the mountains!"
"You're crazy."
"This is true."
"I BOUGHT ROSES!"
"So what do ya say?" And with that, I turned the vehicle back on. A new
hope had come across all of our faces. We no longer had to sleep. It was
time to act like men again.
We started driving through the town. And then picked a turn. And then
another. And then another. We were doing quite well. We were far away
from the town now. And the snow was still falling. We saw a sign for a
park. That oughtta be nice. No one there at night...
And let me just say, the four-wheel drive worked. And, yes, we needed it.
The snow was thick. No cars had come through for hours. The tires were
terrible on this Jeep, the top-end was a bit heavy, and the snow was free
and loose. We were having a blast.
That is, until we realized we had no idea where we were! After an
hour...maybe two? Maybe 45 minutes?! I don't know. After we had had
our fix, we went back to file in line with the trucks.
But our blood was flowing. We had acted like men. And now on this trip,
there was only one thing left to do...
The Burger.
We physically could not sleep.
"We have to get there."
"You're right."
So we proceeded to drive the final 1 1/2 hours to the restaurant. And let
me tell you, I was as nervous as could be. I mentioned that the tires were
bad. But in an open field or parking lot, that's no problem. We were now
on the highway again, mingling with semis, being tossed about by the 30
mph wind, and blinded by the ever-increasing snow. I could only think of
one thing..."we're not going to make it."
I don't get nervous very often, but this Liberty was not handling well at all
on the highway. It was ridiculously dangerous. But we continued on. It
was late, it was dark, and we wanted nothing more than to be at our
restaurant.
We finally made it to the exit. I can't even begin to express how relieved I
was. I had kept these boys alive. We stopped at a gas station, bought
some necessities, and then tried to find the ol' restaurant in the dark. A
wrong turn here, a missed turn there.
Then we found it...the hill that led up to the restaurant. I don't know what I
had expected. I really don't. I couldn't even put it into words if I tried. But
whatever it was, it was not what I saw! Just a plain-jane lil' wood shack on
the side of a hill. And a little sign that read "Denny's Beer Barrel Pub." But
we had made it.
I parked the Liberty 6 inches from the front door. Literally. I drove right up
on the sidewalk underneath the overhang. I wanted the workers to find us
in the morning and know who we were. I wanted them to know what we had
been through. I wanted them to know that nothing would or could stop us.
Over 40 hours on a 10-hour trip. A totaled car. Being stood up. Hunger
pangs. This is us.
It was time to sleep again. Of course, we were all pretty excited, but the
body was finally giving in. Excitement can only go so far before the
physical takes over. It was time to sleep. Same arrangements in the car.
I eventually did fall asleep. But then woke up. You see, the car had been
turned off. We didn't want to die from the fumes. But it's snowing outside.
And it's about 31 degrees. Somehow or another, that 31 degrees on the
outside makes its way to the inside. Cracks here, crevices there.
I was cold. I turned on the heater for a few minutes, then turned the car
back off. Multiply this process by five or six times. Maybe 45 minutes of
sleep, then 5 minutes of heating us back up. An occasional conversation
with the other guy who happened to wake up the same time as you
because he couldn't feel his feet. But it always ended in sleep again.
I woke up one time, though, and the car was still on. Hmm. I don't
remember doing that. Must've been someone else. We are cold.
I woke up again. This time the sun was shining. It was morning! Today
was the day! We were only a couple hours (cooking time!) away from
eating what we came for!
Denny's didn't open 'til 11:00 o'clock, so we prepped ourselves.
Encouragement. Mental fortitude. Screaming! A few pictures outside the
restaurant for some "before" shots. And then it was time.
We walked in.
Only one or two other tables there. And no burgers. They had chosen
something else off the menu.
The workers knew who we were. After all, we had been calling them for
three days now telling them we were coming. We asked to see the burger.
And the obliged. They led us back to the kitchen. And I will find it hard to
do it justice with words...
My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe it. Oh, I had seen pictures of it
before, but that paled in comparison. The image of this slab of beef
couldn't even register in my mind. I had seen cows smaller than that
burger.
We watched them cook the "patty" and then add the ingredients. And
allow me to take some time to describe this for you...
You ready?
Six pounds of beef, two whole onions, two whole tomatoes, a half head of
lettuce, a cup each of ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and bell peppers,
several pickles, and 14 slices of American cheese. And, of course, the
HUGE buns on top and bottom. Total weight? A lil' over 11 pounds.
I had three hours to eat it. Those were the contest rules.
Casey went after the 3-pound burger. Philip and CZ chose the 2-pounder.
3 had an hour and a half. 2 had one hour.
They brought them out to us at our table. We looked at each other, and
then dug in. Literally. You see, you could not use any silverware. It was
purely hands. And the burger was too heavy to lift. So you took it a layer
at a time. Maybe you would grab a handful of bread, then a fistful of beef,
maybe this bite would be onions. Sometimes you had a mix. Othertimes
not.
20 minutes gone by. Hadn't even started slowing down yet. Not even an
option. 30 minutes approaches. Am I even making a dent in this thing?!
Just keep eating. Grab, stuff, chew. Grab, stuff, chew.
I eventually started stuffing the bread and beef into my water. It seemed to
work a lot better! 45 minutes. Keep eating. No slowing down. My body
was handling it pretty well.
52 hours with nothing but three tacos, some chips, and some salsa.
Probably not a good idea to be stuffing down the world's largest
hamburger on a rested stomach. Oh, well...
Grab, stuff, chew.
1 hour. The other two guys hadn't made it. They couldn't finish in time.
They were cashing out. I was starting to feel it. But I had to keep eating.
1 hour, 20 minutes. Getting pretty full. Slower bites. Mayonnaise. The
mayonnaise seemed to be on everything! I was nearing halfway.
And then it happened. My body just stopped. Like literally. I would bring
food up to my mouth, and I couldn't even override my physical response! I
would put it in my mouth, and I would do nothing but chew on it for a couple
minutes! Bad procedure, I would say! But I could do nothing about it.
I got up to release some tacos. Thought that might help.
But when I came back, inside I knew it. The break had crushed me. The
worst thing I could have done was stop. My body had not eaten for 10
minutes, and it said it was over.
I sat down and maybe took another two bites. I was beat.
All in all, around 5 1/2 pounds of burger. I made it to right at halfway. But I
was done.
But what a burger it was. We had came, we had been conquered, but
what a valiant opponent to lose to. No shame there.
We paid the bill...and then hopped back in the Liberty. We had to return it
now.
We drove the hour and a half back and dropped it back off.
And then we headed home.
How, you ask? Oh, that was easy. You see, we rode back with Philip's
dad and grandpa who had to drive out to pick us up.
Yeah, go ahead and ask how well that went over. Needless to say, it was a
looooong trip back home. Grandpa and Pops brought a truck over with a
trailer. They loaded up the totaled car for insurance purposes (and a
possible healing later on?), and then we headed back. 3 guys in the back
seat of a truck, three in the front seat.
Not exactly the most comfortable way to travel.
But we were again going home. After all was said and done, the 24-hour
trip lasted 99 hours. And my $24.95 burger ended up costing us a couple
thousand. Hotel costs, gas costs there (and to grandpa!), taco meal, car
rental, burger, and of course, a new car.
I missed my meeting. And everything else that was to get done that week.
But I gained something else. One incredibly long story for myspace. And I
can guarantee you this...
If I would get on the phone and call up any one of these men tonight and
say, "Hey, you up for gettin' a burger?", they would say...
"Sure, what time would we be back?"
exactly what I was lookin' for...so I pick up the phone and do what any
normal college student would do...
I call some friends. "Hey, it's Andy. You want to get a cheeseburger?"
Casey is on the other end.
"Sure, why not."
"Sweet. Well, here's the deal. The burger is in Pennsylvania...you in?" It
should be known that the burger joint is 684 miles from my current
location. After a slight hesitancy, Casey is in.
I call up Phil and Crazy Zack. Two other takers. Phil asks how we're going
to get there. I've got a truck...17 miles per gallon...and loud. Phil's got a
car. 30 miles per gallon...and spacious. It's up to Phil.
It is about 8:30 Monday evening. "So when we leaving?" Phil asks. Oh, I
was thinking tomorrow morning..." Phil had to be back to finish some
homework, and I needed to be back for a meeting Thursday evening, so
our plan was as follows...
7:00 A.M.--Leave Springfield
7:00 P.M.--Arrive at the Restaurant
10:00 P.M.--Leave the Restaurant
8:00 A.M.--Arrive back in Springfield
25 hours. We even gave a couple hours of additional time just in case
something were to go wrong. Didn't think we would need it. We'd probably
easily make it back by 7:00 A.M. Alternate drivers, never stop but for gas,
it would be a cinch.
I am so excited I can hardly wait. But I had to. You see, Crazy Zack was
coming to my house to spend the night. He was an hour away. I wait up
for him and end up going to bed around 11:00 P.M. My thoughts were with
Phil who was currently changing the oil in his car so that we could go.
What a trooper.
Woke up at 6:15ish and made the drive out to the westside of Springfield.
We have all arrived. And on time! We literally hit the road at 7:00 A.M.
sharp. Perfect!
Phil is driving his own car. Wise man. It's a Saturn. Very roomy for four
people. And hopefully five. You see, I had gotten ahold of my roommate
Mushu. And he lived in Indianapolis. We would pick him up on our way
through.
So we drove and drove and drove. Arrived in Indy about 3 hours later. I
called Mushu, but he was hesitant. This is not good, I thought. "Why are
you not going now?" "There's a big storm coming through..." Mushu had
a snow removal business. Big storms equaled big cash. I pleaded and
begged and belittled him. But to no avail. Mushu was backing out. That's
all right...we still had four.
We went around Indianapolis and started to head northeast to the corner
of Indiana. Somewhere along this stretch, we had to fill up on gas. We all
got out of the car and stretched our 4-hour weary bodies out. Good gas
mileage, though. This trip was going to be pretty cheap!
On the way back into the car, Phil said someone else could drive. The lot
fell to either me or Crazy Zack. If you have ever rode with Crazy Zack
before, you know why he gets his name. I took the keys.
It's a stick shift, so I was thrilled about that! Nice little car. Very easy to
handle. We headed back out on the interstate, and away we went.
Around the early part of the afternoon, we called in our order. You see,
this restaurant requires you to call in at least two hours in advance. I
talked on the phone and told them what we would like.
"Yes, we would like four burgers."
"Ok, we can do that. And how many people will be coming?"
"Um," I hesitated. I didn't understand the question. You see, where I come
from, we don't share our food, let alone our burgers. "We will have four
people."
"FOUR?!"
That should've been our first clue. But we took it in stride and continued
our journey. We would easily make it by 7:00 that evening.
Somewhere up north in Indiana, it began to snow. Started out with light
snow at first, but as the hours went on, the snow began to stick. We were
not going to be able to stay ahead of this storm. No, we would have to ride
right through it.
No worries. We passed through the worthless state of Ohio. We
encountered those frustrating toll booths and threw curses out the window.
Ohio is not a state to drive across.
We passed the time with lively conversations most likely involving blowing
things up, this incredible trip we were on...and SHIRTS. We had a video
camera, too, so that helped.
The snow continued to come down. The roads were staying relatively
clear, but every once in a while, I would hit a slick spot. Nothing big, but
even the heat of the cars could not stop this force today. Mushu was no
doubt licking his chops.
We get to the end of Ohio, and I think we break out in celebration. We had
made it through our last toll, and it was home-free to our destination. We
were roughly 2 hours out in these conditions.
Casey is taping with the video camera from the back seat. Crazy Zack has
unbuckled to take off his sweatshirt. I am still driving. And Phil is riding
shotgun.
We are coming up to a relatively big turn. You know the type, the ones
where they put those successive yellow signs with little arrows on them to
let you know where you are supposed to go. I am in the left lane. As we
come to the turn, I turn the steering wheel to the left (keeping in touch with
those kind signs). But something strange happens. You see, I turned the
wheel left, but the car decides to go right.
My mind is a bit confused for a sec. I regain composure and try again. I
turn the wheel a bit to the left, and again we slide to the right. We are on a
sheet of ice. And our forward momentum is now taking over any control I
could have with the steering wheel.
At 65 mph, our car is now on a beeline path for a guardrail. The whole
following sequence of events literally takes seconds, but my mind is
working overtime. In that split second as the car is moving from the left
lane to the right lane towards the guardrail, my mind has a decision to
make. Should we T-bone the guardrail or take...actually, as soon as I said
T-bone, I knew the other option would be the best one. Instead of fighting
the momentum of the car and skidding more, I had to use the momentum
and just see where it took us...
I turned the wheel to the right.
Silence. We were airborn. Our car had left the roadside, and we were
now hovering over a ditch, moving at 60 mph. The silence did not last long
at all. BOOM! We had hit the opposite side of the ditch. Hard. And I
mean, real hard. Then the fun began.
We were now "driving" through small trees, tall prairie grass, and lots and
lots of snow. I found out later that the rest of the guys could not see out
the windshield. I never remember losing sight of anything. Perhaps I was
not driving out the windshield but out my window or some other force had
intervened, I do not know. But I was doing everything within my power to
get this careening vehicle to stop. Anytime soon.
We hit another bump. To this day I am not sure what it was. It kind of lifted
us into the air again, and then we landed. On a slant. In a ditch. For a
moment, we had stopped. Then the wait of the car was too much for the
little ditch to bear. The force of us made the snow slide, and we slid down
to the bottom of the ditch. We had finally stopped.
I quickly turned around to see if everyone was ok. Some incredibly white
faces, but no one was seriously injured. I thanked God.
But we had a problem. A major problem. We were literally not visible from
the road anymore. We had left the road and gone down deep into the
brush. The curve was built because of a canyon/valley. The engineers
obviously didn't want to build over it, so they went around it. Needless to
say, I was not an engineer. I figured I would give it a shot.
I called 911. An emergency vehicle was already on its way. Someone
must have seen us disappear off the road and called for help. I let them
know that we were not injured. After the dispatcher heard that, we were
placed on the bottom of the totem pole. Lots and lots of accidents that
afternoon. We would have to wait to be rescued.
We were all leaning heavily to the left. The car was a pretty good incline.
So much so that I could not open up my door. In the back, Casey was able
to open his just barely.
"Um, guys..."
We looked out to see running water. We had landed at the bottom of a
ditch, and we were over water. Nothing like a river, no. But running water,
nonetheless.
It would be another hour before an officer would arrive. He said that we
were so far back off the road down in this ditch that we probably would not
be able to be towed out for quite some time. He told us to get everything
out of the car. And so we did. Everything.
Including my gear that I had brought to ride a motorcycle back to Illinois.
The snow kind of put a damper on that idea, but we took out everything we
had brought and that Philip owned in his car. We loaded it into the
officer's car, and away we went.
We were dropped off down the road at a Howard Johnson Motel.
Needless to say, we were not going to get our burger that evening. But I
was not finished. Oh, sure, we had a minor setback (the car was laying out
in a ditch somewhere!), but I was an hour and a half from this burger. I
was not going to stop now.
Phil, however, had other plans.
We walked up to the counter and asked how much it would be for a room.
They told us the price. Not a chance we would pay that. We told them our
situation, and they offered to let us have the trucker's discount of $119.00.
Phil's car was sounding more and more comfy all the time. Not to mention
that we are not on vacation or anything. We had expected an evening
meal. We did not bring that type of money.
We left the counter and had a little huddle. We pooled our cash (let it be
said here that the idea was thrown out to keep money for the burger).
After all, that is why we came on the trip. All in all, we had a little over
$30.00. We went back to the counter, and again told them of our situation.
With a grace unknown in most retail places, the owner allowed us to stay.
But only if we didn't use the pool. Not a problem, we said.
We went back to our room and began to think of what we would do. I
called every rental car company within 40 miles. They were all out of cars
(who does that?! That's like McDonald's bein' out of fries!), or they would
not rent to anyone under 25. I was the oldest at 22.
Part of us was still hanging on to the lingering hope that Phil's car was still
ok. I mean, it had taken a beating. But the engine still ran, and overall, it
did not look that bad from the outside. Well, what parts we could see of it
on the slant.
But like I said, our brother Phil was a bit flustered. Which is
understandable. I had just loaned his car to a Pennyslvania ditch. With no
guarantee of return. We talked in the hotel room quite a bit about our
possibilities. Some wanted to just get back home however they could.
Flying back was thrown out. Taking a bus was an idea. And then there
was me. I love my brothers. I do. But I was an hour and a half from my
destination. And no accident was going to stop me. I think I preached a
rousing speech to my compatriates, and the vote was in.
We were going to do whatever it took to get that burger. No questions
asked. I could sleep much better knowing that.
We woke up the next morning, made another couple dozen phone calls.
But with no luck. No word on Phil's car being towed, and no cars available
for rental. We were up the creek without a paddle. Or really a boat for
that matter.
And time was no help. The hours wore on. 10:00 A.M. rolled around, and
we were kicked out of the hotel. But we had no place to go. So we walked
across the street to McDonald's.
It was now hour 30 of our trip. We were supposed to have been back
home two hours ago! We hadn't even had our burger. Or even a meal.
You see, we had prepared for this burger. No eating at all. But as the
hours wore on, our bodies were weakening. I had now gone nearly 40
hours with no food. But here was the problem: at any minute, we could
get a phone call that said our car was ready to go! And we would only be
90 minutes from eating! I didn't want to fill up my stomach with any
unnecessary food.
We sat at McDonald's four a few hours. Nothin' really to do. We just sat
and pondered our situation. A couple of the guys bought some small items
of food. Just to hold them over, they said. That was quite understandable.
Food would be nice. But I didn't take them up on the offer. Not yet.
And then out of nowhere I heard singing. And I saw dancing. Phil had
jumped up and was gleefully involved in some sort of jubilation. "He needs
food," I thought.
"My car! My car!"
"What?!"
"There's my car!" And he pointed out the window. Sure enough, Phil's car
was being towed down the road by a tow truck. She was out of the ditch!
Our weary bodies suddenly knew no pain. We had regained our passion.
But we needed a ride. We needed to follow that car!
"Excuse me, sir, could you give us a ride to the towing place?"
No one in the McDonald's line was up for it. They were all staying on the
highway. I had almost lost all hope when...
"You boys need a ride, huh?"
I turn around to see a large, jovial man sitting at one of the tables. His
beard was long and proud, and he spoke with obviously-restrained
excitement.
"Yes, sir, we do. But we have four guys. Do you have room for four
people?"
"Four?! Why, I've got room for 15!"
I must admit I was taken aback from his comment. I didn't really know what
he meant. And he was excited. Like real excited. He got up from his
table, and we had no other option but to follow him.
He opened up the doors and led us to his vehicle. A 15-passenger van.
What a guy! We hopped up into the van, and he looked over at me in the
passenger seat...
"Now I'm not really supposed to do this. You see, my insurance really
won't cover me. I'm only supposed to drive around Amish people..."
My mind flashed back to the hotel! Nothing but postcards of the Amish out
in their lobby! "So you're Eli, you're Jacob, you're Abraham, you're Eli..."
he said as he pointed to every last one of us. I had all of a sudden
become afraid for my life.
But, oh, was this man a happy man! I think he had lived up in the
mountains for a few years too many! But we loved him for it! We told him
of our journey, and of our predicament, and of the burger...and he
responded by telling us of his glory days. How he went to Texas to try out
the 72-ounce steak. He had become a hero for us.
After taking us to the wrong shop, admitting he would be late to pick up the
Amish, and a few laughs later, he dropped us off at the tow place. Here
was our last chance. We thanked him, and off he drove into the
mountains, a man obviously in love with his job...and with life.
We walked into the shop, hoping somehow, someway that we would be
able to head on our way...
"Your front axle is bent. She is in no way driveable."
I can't even express my feelings at that moment. Every last piece of hope
we had been holding onto was now gone. We had no car. No way of
getting home. And worse, no way of getting to the restaurant.
I made another phone call. Enterprise. I let them know our situation. She
said she would call me back.
We were standing in a small garage in the outskirts of a small town in the
middle of Amish country. A few bucks to our name...but no place to go.
The phone rang. It was Enterprise..."Hi, Andy, it's me again. This is
Enterprise. We talked it over, and we understand that you guys our in a
tough spot. Now we normally don't do something like this, but your
situation is pretty bizarre." And then she said four of the most beautiful
words a man could ever hear. Oh, sure I've heard them time and time
again. But it's different on TV. There's somethin' so much more
exhiliarting about these words when they actually mean something to you...
"WE'LL PICK YOU UP!"
There we go. We had it. And sure enough, about a half hour later, our
ride pulled up. A nice-lookin' young lady sportin' a black 2003 Jeep Liberty
4 x 4. Oh, buddy, did we hit it big time!
I took shotgun again, and we left Phil's car in the dust. We no longer had
a need for it. We now had a vehicle to get us to the restaurant...and a
nice girl, to boot.
We had a lively conversation over the next half hour. She was quite a
talker, and I think she was digging us young men. Well, who could blame
her, right? We arrive at Enterprise, and I go through the process of filling
out paperwork. I sign a few sheets of paper, and then the magical moment
happened. She looked at me in my eyes and said...ok, ok, so that never
happened! The magical moment was when she gave me the keys, but still!
We now had a vehicle to get to the restaurant!!!
I head back to our new Liberty, and we all just sat there and looked at
each other. I knew what they were thinking. I knew exactly what they were
thinking. And then someone spoke..."Someone's gotta get a date with her."
Ok, let me back up a bit here. I am afraid that we can easily be thrown into
the "shallow guy" department. But that's not what happened. You see, on
the way back to Enterprise, our lil' lady friend was being pretty forward.
Not in a sexual way or anything, but she was rather flirtacious. And she
had mentioned a phenomenal Mexican restaurant that she loved to go to.
She just threw it out there in our conversation! We all picked up on the
fact that she was fishin'...
So I bit. I turned around and went right back into that office. After a few
words, we had a date set up for 6:00 at you know where...the Mexican
restaurant. Cakewalk.
Here's the problem...it was only 4ish. So we had a couple hours to kill. In
a pretty small town. So we drove around and looked for Amish people.
True story. Then we saw a sign for a flower shop. I can't say that I was
too interested, but ol' Crazy Zack was. 10 minutes later CZ had bought
roses. He wasn't goin' to miss out on a date opportunity!
We pass through a flag memorial (where there were seriously like 670
American flags in a park)...kinda freaked me out. Then we headed to the
restaurant. Made it a bit early.
And we waited. 5:50. 5:57. 6:00. 6:01. 6:02. 6:05. 6:07. 6:10.
They probably were fixin' themselves up. You see, she had invited her
friend to come with her. Which is understandable. So we were waitin' on
two girls. And trust me, that takes time!
6:15. No one would say it, though we all knew it deep down. 6:20. 6:30.
6:40. 6:50. We definitely knew it now.
6:55. "Ok." I was the one to break the ice. "We give them to 7:04. If they
don't show, we eat."
7:00. 7:01. 7:02. 7:03. And then it came. 7:04. No girls. Just a waitress
that kept on wondering why we weren't ordering. I must say, though, that
those chips and salsa they bring out were mighty tasty! Probably not the
best items to put on a stomach that hadn't eaten in 24 hours, but when it
comes to survival (and the taste of those chips!), a man's gotta do what a
man's gotta do.
We all ate light. I only had 3 tacos. I knew that in 14 hours we would be
eating our burger. But I also knew that my body needed something. It had
started to digest itself, and that is never pleasant.
The meal was good, the price was right, but we still had that awful taste in
our mouths. From the girls. Crazy Zack put it best: "I bought roses!"
Yes, yes, he did. So began the infamous saying..."Hi, welcome to
Enterprise. We'll stand you up."
We drove around for a bit more but then decided it was time to call it a
night. Where to sleep? Well, we had the choice of the Howard Johnson
again. But you better believe we would have had to pay that trucker's rate.
And four young men can never rationalize paying over $100 for a bed.
Not my cup of tea, that's for sure.
After all, the Liberty had nice seats...
We drove back to the HoJo and parked next to the semis in the parking lot.
It was time to sleep. I turned off the car, leaned back in my seat, and
listened to the hum of the diesel engines. My type of sleeping music.
We were going to be a bit cramped, but no worries. We had $100 in our
pockets. Well, figuratively. We had saved that much, but I doubt we even
had that to spare. Go figure. I had the driver's seat, Phil had the shotgun,
and Casey and CZ were in the back seat. They couldn't move to the back
because we had packed all of the stuff from Phil's car in there. We were
going to have to sleep where we were.
It was now hour 38 of our 24-hour trip. And let me also remind you of
something...we had one goal in mind when we left that parking lot in
Springfield: A CHEESEBURGER. One simple trip, one simple goal.
Needless to say, we were restless. We didn't have the cheeseburger yet.
We had just gotten stood up by two Pennsylvania women. We had lost
money in our hotel gig. And we still had no car to get us home (it should
be stated here that the Jeep Liberty had to be returned! No one-way
rentals allowed). And we knew we were not going to get back home
anytime soon for our meetings and homework.
The mind is funny sometimes. I mean, I knew all of these things to be true.
If you would have asked me, I could have told you. But sometimes for
whatever reason, it waits to list them all at once until you lay your head
down to sleep on your pillow. Or on the backrest of a stiff driver's seat.
No burger. Losing money. Snowing outside. Diesel engines. Cute girls.
No girls. Taco fighting back. No burger. Nice car! Must call back home to
let them know I can't make the meeting tomorrow. How do I explain this
one?! Eh, wait on that. No burger. Stood up. We got a car! Still snowing.
The funny thing? I think all of us were doing the same thing. And as
always happens at campouts, sleepovers, and whatever, someone broke
the silence..."Um, guys..."
"You're awake, too!"
"Oh, man, I can't sleep!"
"I BOUGHT ROSES!"
"We're so close to this burger!"
"What just happened today?!"
"We were stood up!"
All together..."STUPID GIRLS."
"I BOUGHT ROSES!"
"We have a sweeeet vehicle!"
"It's snowing again!"
"There's no way I can sleep."
"Me, neither."
"Hey, guys, we're in the Allegheny Mountains."
"So?"
"Um, track with me. We have a 2003 Jeep Liberty..." I paused..."4x4!!!"
"Andy, we can't."
"We must."
"We can't afford to lose this vehicle."
"We're in the mountains!"
"You're crazy."
"This is true."
"I BOUGHT ROSES!"
"So what do ya say?" And with that, I turned the vehicle back on. A new
hope had come across all of our faces. We no longer had to sleep. It was
time to act like men again.
We started driving through the town. And then picked a turn. And then
another. And then another. We were doing quite well. We were far away
from the town now. And the snow was still falling. We saw a sign for a
park. That oughtta be nice. No one there at night...
And let me just say, the four-wheel drive worked. And, yes, we needed it.
The snow was thick. No cars had come through for hours. The tires were
terrible on this Jeep, the top-end was a bit heavy, and the snow was free
and loose. We were having a blast.
That is, until we realized we had no idea where we were! After an
hour...maybe two? Maybe 45 minutes?! I don't know. After we had had
our fix, we went back to file in line with the trucks.
But our blood was flowing. We had acted like men. And now on this trip,
there was only one thing left to do...
The Burger.
We physically could not sleep.
"We have to get there."
"You're right."
So we proceeded to drive the final 1 1/2 hours to the restaurant. And let
me tell you, I was as nervous as could be. I mentioned that the tires were
bad. But in an open field or parking lot, that's no problem. We were now
on the highway again, mingling with semis, being tossed about by the 30
mph wind, and blinded by the ever-increasing snow. I could only think of
one thing..."we're not going to make it."
I don't get nervous very often, but this Liberty was not handling well at all
on the highway. It was ridiculously dangerous. But we continued on. It
was late, it was dark, and we wanted nothing more than to be at our
restaurant.
We finally made it to the exit. I can't even begin to express how relieved I
was. I had kept these boys alive. We stopped at a gas station, bought
some necessities, and then tried to find the ol' restaurant in the dark. A
wrong turn here, a missed turn there.
Then we found it...the hill that led up to the restaurant. I don't know what I
had expected. I really don't. I couldn't even put it into words if I tried. But
whatever it was, it was not what I saw! Just a plain-jane lil' wood shack on
the side of a hill. And a little sign that read "Denny's Beer Barrel Pub." But
we had made it.
I parked the Liberty 6 inches from the front door. Literally. I drove right up
on the sidewalk underneath the overhang. I wanted the workers to find us
in the morning and know who we were. I wanted them to know what we had
been through. I wanted them to know that nothing would or could stop us.
Over 40 hours on a 10-hour trip. A totaled car. Being stood up. Hunger
pangs. This is us.
It was time to sleep again. Of course, we were all pretty excited, but the
body was finally giving in. Excitement can only go so far before the
physical takes over. It was time to sleep. Same arrangements in the car.
I eventually did fall asleep. But then woke up. You see, the car had been
turned off. We didn't want to die from the fumes. But it's snowing outside.
And it's about 31 degrees. Somehow or another, that 31 degrees on the
outside makes its way to the inside. Cracks here, crevices there.
I was cold. I turned on the heater for a few minutes, then turned the car
back off. Multiply this process by five or six times. Maybe 45 minutes of
sleep, then 5 minutes of heating us back up. An occasional conversation
with the other guy who happened to wake up the same time as you
because he couldn't feel his feet. But it always ended in sleep again.
I woke up one time, though, and the car was still on. Hmm. I don't
remember doing that. Must've been someone else. We are cold.
I woke up again. This time the sun was shining. It was morning! Today
was the day! We were only a couple hours (cooking time!) away from
eating what we came for!
Denny's didn't open 'til 11:00 o'clock, so we prepped ourselves.
Encouragement. Mental fortitude. Screaming! A few pictures outside the
restaurant for some "before" shots. And then it was time.
We walked in.
Only one or two other tables there. And no burgers. They had chosen
something else off the menu.
The workers knew who we were. After all, we had been calling them for
three days now telling them we were coming. We asked to see the burger.
And the obliged. They led us back to the kitchen. And I will find it hard to
do it justice with words...
My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe it. Oh, I had seen pictures of it
before, but that paled in comparison. The image of this slab of beef
couldn't even register in my mind. I had seen cows smaller than that
burger.
We watched them cook the "patty" and then add the ingredients. And
allow me to take some time to describe this for you...
You ready?
Six pounds of beef, two whole onions, two whole tomatoes, a half head of
lettuce, a cup each of ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and bell peppers,
several pickles, and 14 slices of American cheese. And, of course, the
HUGE buns on top and bottom. Total weight? A lil' over 11 pounds.
I had three hours to eat it. Those were the contest rules.
Casey went after the 3-pound burger. Philip and CZ chose the 2-pounder.
3 had an hour and a half. 2 had one hour.
They brought them out to us at our table. We looked at each other, and
then dug in. Literally. You see, you could not use any silverware. It was
purely hands. And the burger was too heavy to lift. So you took it a layer
at a time. Maybe you would grab a handful of bread, then a fistful of beef,
maybe this bite would be onions. Sometimes you had a mix. Othertimes
not.
20 minutes gone by. Hadn't even started slowing down yet. Not even an
option. 30 minutes approaches. Am I even making a dent in this thing?!
Just keep eating. Grab, stuff, chew. Grab, stuff, chew.
I eventually started stuffing the bread and beef into my water. It seemed to
work a lot better! 45 minutes. Keep eating. No slowing down. My body
was handling it pretty well.
52 hours with nothing but three tacos, some chips, and some salsa.
Probably not a good idea to be stuffing down the world's largest
hamburger on a rested stomach. Oh, well...
Grab, stuff, chew.
1 hour. The other two guys hadn't made it. They couldn't finish in time.
They were cashing out. I was starting to feel it. But I had to keep eating.
1 hour, 20 minutes. Getting pretty full. Slower bites. Mayonnaise. The
mayonnaise seemed to be on everything! I was nearing halfway.
And then it happened. My body just stopped. Like literally. I would bring
food up to my mouth, and I couldn't even override my physical response! I
would put it in my mouth, and I would do nothing but chew on it for a couple
minutes! Bad procedure, I would say! But I could do nothing about it.
I got up to release some tacos. Thought that might help.
But when I came back, inside I knew it. The break had crushed me. The
worst thing I could have done was stop. My body had not eaten for 10
minutes, and it said it was over.
I sat down and maybe took another two bites. I was beat.
All in all, around 5 1/2 pounds of burger. I made it to right at halfway. But I
was done.
But what a burger it was. We had came, we had been conquered, but
what a valiant opponent to lose to. No shame there.
We paid the bill...and then hopped back in the Liberty. We had to return it
now.
We drove the hour and a half back and dropped it back off.
And then we headed home.
How, you ask? Oh, that was easy. You see, we rode back with Philip's
dad and grandpa who had to drive out to pick us up.
Yeah, go ahead and ask how well that went over. Needless to say, it was a
looooong trip back home. Grandpa and Pops brought a truck over with a
trailer. They loaded up the totaled car for insurance purposes (and a
possible healing later on?), and then we headed back. 3 guys in the back
seat of a truck, three in the front seat.
Not exactly the most comfortable way to travel.
But we were again going home. After all was said and done, the 24-hour
trip lasted 99 hours. And my $24.95 burger ended up costing us a couple
thousand. Hotel costs, gas costs there (and to grandpa!), taco meal, car
rental, burger, and of course, a new car.
I missed my meeting. And everything else that was to get done that week.
But I gained something else. One incredibly long story for myspace. And I
can guarantee you this...
If I would get on the phone and call up any one of these men tonight and
say, "Hey, you up for gettin' a burger?", they would say...
"Sure, what time would we be back?"
| The $2400 Cheeseburger |
The Burgers before we eat!
| The Burger after my valiant effort. Burger wins. |